I don’t have many regrets in life. But, I sincerely wish I could rewind time and have a do-over with my firstborn. Why? In a word (although technically it should be two): Babywise.
In fact, I’d be so bold as to say that Babywise (a method of sleep training found in a book by same name by author Gary Ezzo) made my first six months of motherhood miserable and may have contributed to some of the insecurities I see surfacing as the child I subjected to this method ages.
My perspective on this subject is somewhat unique in that I had four babies within a window of five years. Though I have friends that claim both “victories” and “failures” using the system, I feel my condensed childbearing timeline gave me a special opportunity to test Babywise’s methods against others (mainly trusting my instincts).
My story is a common one. A friend recommended the book because it worked for them. I was entering unchartered territory and desperate. So, I’d read anything I could get my hands on.
To a brand new mom, sleeping through the night is that big elusive milestone. It seems the sooner your children reach it the bigger the “motherhood merit badge” you earn. The concept of following a method to meet that goal sounded delightful.
That’s what Babywise offered. So, I bit.
There was a certain degree of logic to it. The book knew exactly how to appeal to me. It lured in the part of me that desperately longed to have a child without changing my comfortable “childless” life at all.
It also convinced me (temporarily) that the problems in the world today are created by how “baby-centric” parents become. Since I didn’t want to raise a selfish child, it only made sense to demand this creation of mine to fall in line.
The problem was Babywise didn’t work at all like it should have. Instead of realizing that maybe the system (or the author and his theories) were at fault, I blamed myself. Already struggling with some degree of post partum depression, I faced a rough reality check. Parenting was going to be a lot harder than I ever dreamed.
My first few months with Babywise resulted in a stressed out, frazzled, demoralized, depressed new mom whose perceived failure at having the Babywise method work was just another strike against her.
I had acquaintances that swore by it…touting the only way they could do it (turn off their instincts to follow Babywise that is) was to go outside and talk on the phone or get in the shower and turn on music. This would drown out the cries. They encouraged me to do the same…it would be “hard” on me but “good” for the baby.
Now, I think about this advice as preposterous. If my four-year-old needed me because he was hurting or scared and I went outside so I couldn’t hear him crying…that would be cruel, right? Or, better yet, if I was sad, lonely, hungry, or just feeling insecure and I was crying in bed and my husband got in the shower to tune me out, that would sound like abuse, wouldn’t it?
The challenge for most new mothers (myself included) is that I didn’t know whether or not I could, or should, trust those instincts. I was paralyzed with fear that I would do it wrong. Simultaneously I was concerned that I didn’t even know what “wrong” was in this arena. I was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life. So, I bounced between reading the book desperately to figure out what page I must have missed or what I must have been messing up to get it to work correctly and cursing the book for making me so miserable.
After encouragement from my mother (who read the book and thought it was insane) to experiment with things like feeding to sleep, napping in the swing, and co-sleeping, things started to go a little better. Oh, and my almost three month old son–who had gotten so frustrated he had taken to head banging–stopped that behavior as soon as I gave up the Babywise method and started answering his cries.
It was very hard to quit though. I felt tremendously guilty for not following the book and was concerned that like the book promised, once I put the baby in our bed he’d be in there until he was at least 12. But, I was at the point of desperation. I needed some sleep. He needed some sleep. And, (shockingly) her suggestions were working better than Mr. Ezzo’s.
I also recognized that my son had some digestive issues. (Four children later I’m able to diagnose exactly what they were better than any of my firstborn’s pediatricians ever could.) In addition to his problem with acidic foods and dairy, because of the Babywise feeding rules, I was way over feeding the little guy. Truth is, it’s impossible to know this stuff as a new mom. I was so concerned about him gaining weight and going to bed full that the thought of him eating too much and that causing digestive issues never crossed my mind.
Baby two came just 16 months after baby number one. This time I followed my gut. She slept in the swing frequently. If she fell asleep while eating I’d put her down. She slept through the night at five months old and, although we co-slept when needed those first few months, never slept in our bed after six months of age.
Is Babywise completely ineffective for everyone? No. I do have friends that will still swear that it worked for them. (I know some of you reading this are thinking you had no troubles with it.)
But, mommy friends, looking back I think this method is scary dangerous. And, although it may be getting some children to sleep through the night faster, the long term consequences are real and far more important than that first “sleeping through the night” milestone. You can’t think about what your child will be like at six or seven when all you want is to make it through the first year. But, let me encourage you that your parenting isn’t finished when they start sleeping. It’s only just begun…
Some recent studies have come out about the consequences of having infants cry it out and what happens when our newborns don’t attach well. Beyond that, this study explains how you aren’t really training an infant to sleep when you don’t respond to cries. Instead, the baby’s neurological system shuts down from frustration and sleep follows.
These reports cite correlations with more stressed out and anxious children later. I can attest to this. I see differences between my Babywise baby and my other children. My oldest displays more fear, has a more difficult time with expressing emotion, and is very guarded.
Of course, I understand that each child has a unique personality and that maybe that’s his natural bent. But, as I read the reports like this one on the impact of systems like this, I can’t help but see some similarities in my now-seven year old.
Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. And, like most new moms, I was desperate for some guidance on how to do it “right.” But, I think we moms, at all stages, have to free ourselves of that pressure. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way. There is your way and there is my way.
Every child we have added to our family has done some degree of messing up the rhythms for the rest of the family. Everyone has had to adjust as each new baby has come along. The Babywise method of make the baby fit you just doesn’t make any sense to me, at any level, anymore. Scheduling has some merit…routine has lots of merit… But, Babywise as a comprehensive system to be followed to the tee, is a bad idea.
Now, on the other side of newborns, I certainly wish I had researched more about the author, his background and lack of credentials before I put my child through his system. I’m embarrassed that I trusted this unknown man to tell me how to raise my newborn.
I hope you’ll do the same and avoid my regrets.
To read a counter opinion, check out Why I Stuck With Babywise.
I know the author here intends to share her experience and regrets with the goal of connecting mothers who resonate with her story. However, as a mom who had great success with BabyWise, I feel like these posts beget more mommy-shaming that we all want to avoid. I also had my 3 children close together (all in 3 1/2 years), and it was my middle child with whom I struggled most. PPD, anxiety, desperation… He was definitely a crier. After hearing some BabyWise flack, I decided to try Attachment Parenting this time: nursing when he was fussy, tired, or hungry; co-sleeping; baby wearing; etc. It was a DISASTER. After a few months I was completely exhausted and hated my child for turning me into such a monster. Talk about failure to bond! One day my husband suggested I try something different. I picked up my old copy of BabyWise and read the first chapter. I bawled as I read it, because I remembered how logical it is. I started the method that day and immediately regained a sense of personhood and control in my life. My son cried it out, sometimes for short periods, sometimes longer. When he got older and more mobile, I realized that he is extremely energetic and gets worked up and emotional when tired. Crying for him as an infant was the equivalent of a toddler running in circles until he passes out. He just needed to let off steam. And once I started using the method that put me, the grown-up, in charge, I was able to bond with him and fall in love with the child I had resented all along. And of all my children, he turned out to be the most tender, loving, compassionate, affectionate, trusting, well-rounded of them all.
Now, I’m not saying this will work for everyone. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the message we ALL want to send is to trust your instincts. Try whatever method you like, but if it doesn’t feel right, try something else. Letting your kid cry it out doesn’t mean he or she will have emotional issues. Mine sure don’t! (I used some version of the method with all 3.) And nursing your baby to sleep doesn’t mean he or she will be spoiled. Do what feels right and works for your family. And don’t ever feel badly about it.
I read a lot of books before I had my first child 7 years ago, and Babywise was one of them. I took advice from each book that worked best for me and my babies, and I never strictly followed any one method. I followed my motherly instincts. While I never let my babies cry it out, I really liked having an eat, wake, sleep cycle like this book suggests. When it was time to sleep, I used sleep props like pacifiers or rocking like the book tells you not to do.
I think the author of this blog regrets blindly following one book’s advice rather than following her motherly instincts. While trying to espress her regret, she shamed any mom who used methods from Babywise, calling them cruel and abusive. This mom blogger is not an expert, and should not be making other moms feel guilty for doing what worked best for them.
Read books, listen to advice, don’t criticize others for doing something you didn’t do, and always do what is best for you and your baby.
*Typing this as I rock my 2 year old so you know I wasn’t a strict Babywise follower*
I wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up so much over this. My parents as well as my husbands parents have openly told us they let us “cry it out” in the night to get us to sleep through once it was unnecessary for us to be waking for night feedings. We are both perfectly fine well adjusted adults with no emotional or mental issues. God has so much grace for all of us making mistakes every day as we do this parenting thing. There is nothing His grace cannot cover. It is my prayer that moms would encourage and lift each other up!! There is so much mom guilt and shaming that goes on.
“Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” Colossians 3:12
I read Heather’s article about her experience and every comment after it. I have a different perspective from most of you as I am a mother of four wonderful adult children and a grandmother of nine beloved little ones. Over the years, I have noticed that some parenting advice tends to focus on short term solutions at the expense of long term consequences. While Mr. Ezzo offered logical advice, and emphasized reason over emotion (in his earliest books like “Preparation for Parenting”), he also denied that mothers had instincts ( He wrote that only animals had instincts), he denied that love should be a motivating factor in parenting, and he stated that the goal of parents should be to control the child. Some of you who have only read his later books do not know what he has taught in the past and was surprised to read that he is now promoting “mother’s instinct”. I hope he believes in it now. He used to teach that fathers were to physically restrain mothers who wanted to run to their crying babies.
I heard about him first from a friend who attended the church where Mr. and Mrs. Ezzo began to teach their parenting philosophy. About 25 years before this, Mrs. Ezzo had been a nurse in a hospital nursery. Mr. Ezzo had not finished junior college but he later earned a Master’s in Theology for his church work. I read the books from those classes that were later called Growing Kids Gods Way. (The church, Grace Community Church, pastored by John MacArthur, later produced a “Letter of Concern” that stated that character issues rendered Gary Ezzo “unfit for ministry”. They also discredited his parenting books. Heather is right: the Ezzo books were dropped by their publisher and are now published by Gary Ezzo.)
In his early books, there were spanking charts that advised how many swats a baby should receive for such offenses as crawling off the blanket during enforced “blanket time”. I read the questions and advice from the Ezzo-trained contact moms who answered questions on the Ezzo website. Mothers were advised to swat their 15 month olds for whining or crying as Mama was putting the little one into her bedroom for “room time” for an hour a day (This was in addition to spankings if the toddler left the room before the hour was up. Many mothers said they were spanking their babies over 21 times a day. They were told that this was normal and when the baby learned that disobedience would be punished, they would eventually conform). The contact moms reassured a mama whose baby repeatedly banged his head on his crib or a wall—they said their babies did the same thing! The books taught that there were “high chair manners” to observe: babies must not touch or play with their food, their hands must be in their laps or along the sides of the tray during feedings, they were to be removed from the chair and not given any more to eat if they disobeyed, etc. First time obedience (yes, parents were in sin if they repeated an order to their child; they were to immediately spank or they were “lazy”) was required from children “with a happy heart” (the child had to smile as he obeyed; frowning or complaining was punishable).
This is the original Gary Ezzo parenting advice before he began to modify his books in response to doctors calling child abuse hotlines to report babies with slow growth and development (yes, babies were often underweight -Ezzo advocated a four hour feeding routine then- and were not reaching the developmental milestones like sitting up or crawling at the appropriate ages). The Ezzo response was to deny that he had received any reports of babies with problems. Later, he would blame the parents of these babies and say that they were not implementing his advice properly. Around this time, parents taking his classes were told not to tell their doctors or lactation consultants that they were taking the Ezzo classes. Health professionals struggled to understand why they kept seeing babies who failed to thrive (mothers were told at classes not to add another feeding even if the lactation consultant advised it; Ezzo said the space between feedings was necessary for the mother’s milk to resupply—-which is not physiologically correct information).
Apparently the newer versions of Babywise and Toddlerwise have had the extreme Ezzo advice removed and the length of time between feedings has been reduced. However, the damage has been done to countless children whose parents followed Ezzo in the early days. Here is a telling incident from about nine years ago: My close friend’s son (then about age 11) ran up to her as she chatted with another mom, hugged and kissed his mama and told her he loved her, then ran off to play. The other mother, who had raised her four sons on early Ezzo teachings from babyhood, asked my friend, “Do you tell him to do that—to hug and kiss you and tell you he loves you?” My friend replied, “No, he just does that spontaneously several times a day.” The other mother sadly said, “Not one of my four sons has ever done that!”
Please think about the relationships you hope to have with your children when they are older children, teens, and adults. Your actions now have consequences later. I have no regrets that I chose to raise my children with an abundance of love and nurturing (Ephesians 5:1,2a “You are God’s children whom he loves. So try to be like God. Live a life of love. Love other people {I believe this includes our children} just as Christ loved us.”. I am not telling you how to parent; if you are a Christian, the Lord will lead you. Isaiah 44:3 “I will put my Spirit into your children. My blessing will be like a stream of water flowing over your family.”
Yes ! The teachings you describe we’re exactly what was taught in our Growing Kids God’s Way class at our church in 1999. Thank god our boys were so strong willed that none of it worked. I quickly thought – oh well, I may be lazy but I’m not hitting my toddler 21 times a day! They are wonderful , polite, kind hearted college bound boys today. Enzo and his wife are dangerous and should not be trusted.
Wait a minute…………You’re saying that BabyWise teaches to hit the toddler 21 times a day? Wow if that’s what you go out of it, you are as delusional as this post. Congratulations on having children turn out well DESPITE their mother.
I love babywise! When I was pregnant with our first, I had a few friends who had mentioned how babywise was a life saver. So my husband and I sat together and read through babywise before we had children. We both felt good about it and decided that we wanted to try out the methods suggested. When our first child, our son, was born we soon started working on getting him on a schedule and following the book. As the book does suggest, we trusted our instincts and always do. Our son followed right along with the book, was sleeping 8 hours by 8 weeks and 12 hours by 12 weeks. To this day (he is now 2.5) he still takes one nap in the day and sleeps 12 hours at night. I can count on one hand how many times he has woken up in the night. And when he has, it is when he was sick, and we’ve gone in and held him and comforted him til he was ready to go to sleep. We let him cry it out at a few months old. I made sure he was fed, clean diaper, read books, cuddled and sang to him. The first night he cried for 40 mins. The next night he cried for about 30 mins and the third night he cried for 20 mins. Ever since that, he falls right to sleep when we put him in his crib. Now that he is a toddler, he sometimes will play with a toy for awhile or even sing to himself to sleep. I have yet to see one negative affect that it has had on him. I am so glad we did everything the way we did with him and that it worked wonderfully on our son.
With our second child (our daughter) I knew how fast the newborn stage would go and I didn’t even think about baby wise or re read through it til she was about 2 months old. We then started working on getting her on a schedule and following the book and it helped her sleep longer at night. With her, as I continue to trust my instincts, I haven’t felt the need to let her cry it out so I haven’t. We still do everything else it says in baby wise. She’s now 9 months old and she doesn’t Always sleep through the night but does for the most part and I feel great about that.
Both of my children are perfectly healthy, Rarely get sick, and are as easy going as children come. I know that I am very lucky and that this is not usual to get two totally healthy and happy children. Now I don’t know for Certain that it was all thanks to baby wise, as I also believe that things like diet, attention from parents, and genes all play a part but since I have used baby wise with both my children and gotten amazing results, I love the book and am grateful to have it. I truly believe that there is a healthy balance between following your heart (emotions) and being knowledgeable and logically about things. You should study it out in your mind and then take it to the Lord and you will know how to parent each of your children. Even though I believe that at least some of baby wise would work for most families, I know that every child and parent is different. So I wouldn’t even say that for sure everyone should use it. You should be doing the same if you really believe in following your mothering instincts and shouldn’t be telling people what to do or what NOT to do. You telling mothers that they should not read baby wise, that ,in your opinion, it is “scary dangerous” and things like that are not telling them to follow their instincts but to trust you and that you know more than they do about their child. You even said that you have friends that it has worked for so why would you be so determined to tell people that it doesn’t work and Not to do it?
I don’t think that it is wrong that you wrote your opinion and shared your story but how you went about it and what exactly you have said about it. You still could have gotten your opinion out and said that it didn’t work for you and that you don’t personally recommend it but been much nicer about it and realize that works for one may not work for others. Instead it comes across that you know everything and that anyone who uses baby wise is doing it wrong and like you will one day regret it. Just cause you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean you have to bash it, instead you should have turned your focus on what does work for you.
I know you used “research” to prove some of your points but you can find research to support just about anything. There’s pediatricians who don’t agree with the book and there are also others that DO agree with the book. There are also many articles that talk about the importance of sleep for every age; babies and toddlers included. I personally believe that sleep is So important for each member of the family. When dad gets sleep, he is happy and can focus at work and do his best there and support his family. When mom gets sleep, she wakes up in a good mood and ready to care for and teach her children in a loving way and absolutely will have more patience with her children throughout the day. When children get sleep they wake up in a good mood and are not constantly whining and cranky and acting out all day due to lack of sleep. I really do think that this is why my children are so happy and easy going cause they are completely rested when they wake. There is research behind just about everything so in the end you have to do what you feel is right for your child.
I’m not certain what your point was with having 4 children in 5 years but that’s also how close in age my sister in law’s children are and she used baby wise with all 4 of her children and recommends it. I have yet to hear her say any negative affects and her children are between 5-10 now. I’m sorry that it didn’t work for you and that you feel so negatively about it. But the way you wrote this comes off as judgmental and that’s what makes people unhappy is when they feel you are telling them that they are doing something “wrong” and “dangerous” in their parenting when they have only had a positive experience with it.
Sad to hear your experience with BW was not a good one. Mine was fabulous, but probably because I took BW to be more of a guide on how to structure our day and get my baby on a schedule. I NEVER took it to mean to ignore my mothering instincts. In fact, there is a whole chapter that talks about the importance of really learning your baby’s different cries…
Anyway, what is even more sad is that I feel like this is a total Mommy Wars post. As a mother who has had success with Baby Wise, when I read this I feel attacked. I feel judged as not being a good enough mother, as depriving my children of something essential. (Which I can assure you they have never been starved for love/attention/snuggles – not for a single minute of their life. But yes as a NiCU nurse and a veteran mom I can easily distinguish an over-tired/over-stimulated cry versus a hungy/hurt/scared cry and respond appropriately.)
so anyway, so sorry to comment in this way. I believe we are all called to parent differently and that We are given children who need exactly our parent style. While Baby Wise is a life saver for some, I respect and am at peace with the fact that it is not for everyone.
A post about what DID work for you would come across a lot better as opposed to one that bashes others decisions.
A book that I found very refreshing on this topic is “Spirit Led Parenting”. A very different perspective than BW. Most parents do not do an indepth study about infant growth and development or infant mental health. Both have fairly new information based on how much more we know about it. These are the “experts” who should be informing our parenting. We should parent based on what is supportive of a baby’s brain and emotional development (both have not changed since babies were created) and based on our observations about how “my” specific infant is doing, not on how much sleep or routine we feel is important for our lifestyle or the general baby population. Much of parenting is cultural in nature and not based on physiology or development. God made babies’ brains and development the way they are. We need to learn the best that we can how we can support God’s creational directives with grace, compassion and sensitivity. I also consider the nighttime parenting (much like BW) of my now 30 year old to be my greatest regret.
I felt this was a very unreasonable and unproductive blog. Your examples of how we don’t ignore hurt children’s cries or adult spouses cries is completely ridiculous. They are not comparable examples at all. When my 4 year old pulls a small fit every night when I tell her its time for bed, I don’t comfort her at every moment she cries. She still goes to bed and if excessive crying continues then I would help calm her down. That is the reasonable thing a reasonable parent would do. That example is perfectly applicable to the infant stage. The infant in most cases isn’t crying because of pain or emotional stress if there is normal parenting going on, they are an infant trying to understand the schedules of life. Obviously this book wasn’t for you just like there are many things in life that aren’t for everyone. That’s why there are 400 different kinds of candy bars and cars and cereal and so on. So if the book and its techniques weren’t for you, it doesn’t mean your a bad mom or the author is wrong and a bad person who needs god grace. We all needs gods grace. If your feeling bad about yourself because of a book, don’t read it and move on. Its your fault if you keep dwelling on it and forcing the issue and cant figure out that people are different and everyone reacts to things differently. What people should do is take accountability for their own choices and not try to blame people that write books. We used the baby wise pattern on all 4 of our children and we had them in 5 years too and it worked great. My kids are good and emotionally normal and well developing kids. I recommend the book to everyone with new infants. It may work for them and it may not. I would encourage everyone to apply the baby wise schedule and use the recommendations that work for them and avoid the ones that don’t. That’s just how a reasonable person navigates thru life.
I find this interesting. I implemented the parts of babywise I wanted to and it worked great. Namely we didn’t do cio, but we followed a 2.5/3hr eat/wake-sleep cycle, full feedings. And it’s worked great for all 5 of my kids. 3 of which have gerd. I used whatever means necessary to help my babies sleep/fall asleep including swings, rocking etc. and think babywise gets a bad rap. It tells you many times in the book to listen to your own instincts. I’ve loved the full nights sleep I get, the predictable schedule allows me to meet the needs of all my children. And yes, it definitely doesn’t work if your child has gerd reflux left untreated. I always cut cows milk, garlic, chocolate, and tomatoe based products the first 4 months of breastfeeding and some of mine have been on zantac/prevacid . I’m sorry this method didn’t work for you, I’ve heard healthy sleep habits is another good one-
I threw my Baby wise book away with my first baby too! 🙂
Proud of it!!! 7 kids later. ❤❤❤