I don’t have many regrets in life. But, I sincerely wish I could rewind time and have a do-over with my firstborn. Why? In a word (although technically it should be two): Babywise.
In fact, I’d be so bold as to say that Babywise (a method of sleep training found in a book by same name by author Gary Ezzo) made my first six months of motherhood miserable and may have contributed to some of the insecurities I see surfacing as the child I subjected to this method ages.
My perspective on this subject is somewhat unique in that I had four babies within a window of five years. Though I have friends that claim both “victories” and “failures” using the system, I feel my condensed childbearing timeline gave me a special opportunity to test Babywise’s methods against others (mainly trusting my instincts).
My story is a common one. A friend recommended the book because it worked for them. I was entering unchartered territory and desperate. So, I’d read anything I could get my hands on.
To a brand new mom, sleeping through the night is that big elusive milestone. It seems the sooner your children reach it the bigger the “motherhood merit badge” you earn. The concept of following a method to meet that goal sounded delightful.
That’s what Babywise offered. So, I bit.
There was a certain degree of logic to it. The book knew exactly how to appeal to me. It lured in the part of me that desperately longed to have a child without changing my comfortable “childless” life at all.
It also convinced me (temporarily) that the problems in the world today are created by how “baby-centric” parents become. Since I didn’t want to raise a selfish child, it only made sense to demand this creation of mine to fall in line.
The problem was Babywise didn’t work at all like it should have. Instead of realizing that maybe the system (or the author and his theories) were at fault, I blamed myself. Already struggling with some degree of post partum depression, I faced a rough reality check. Parenting was going to be a lot harder than I ever dreamed.
My first few months with Babywise resulted in a stressed out, frazzled, demoralized, depressed new mom whose perceived failure at having the Babywise method work was just another strike against her.
I had acquaintances that swore by it…touting the only way they could do it (turn off their instincts to follow Babywise that is) was to go outside and talk on the phone or get in the shower and turn on music. This would drown out the cries. They encouraged me to do the same…it would be “hard” on me but “good” for the baby.
Now, I think about this advice as preposterous. If my four-year-old needed me because he was hurting or scared and I went outside so I couldn’t hear him crying…that would be cruel, right? Or, better yet, if I was sad, lonely, hungry, or just feeling insecure and I was crying in bed and my husband got in the shower to tune me out, that would sound like abuse, wouldn’t it?
The challenge for most new mothers (myself included) is that I didn’t know whether or not I could, or should, trust those instincts. I was paralyzed with fear that I would do it wrong. Simultaneously I was concerned that I didn’t even know what “wrong” was in this arena. I was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life. So, I bounced between reading the book desperately to figure out what page I must have missed or what I must have been messing up to get it to work correctly and cursing the book for making me so miserable.
After encouragement from my mother (who read the book and thought it was insane) to experiment with things like feeding to sleep, napping in the swing, and co-sleeping, things started to go a little better. Oh, and my almost three month old son–who had gotten so frustrated he had taken to head banging–stopped that behavior as soon as I gave up the Babywise method and started answering his cries.
It was very hard to quit though. I felt tremendously guilty for not following the book and was concerned that like the book promised, once I put the baby in our bed he’d be in there until he was at least 12. But, I was at the point of desperation. I needed some sleep. He needed some sleep. And, (shockingly) her suggestions were working better than Mr. Ezzo’s.
I also recognized that my son had some digestive issues. (Four children later I’m able to diagnose exactly what they were better than any of my firstborn’s pediatricians ever could.) In addition to his problem with acidic foods and dairy, because of the Babywise feeding rules, I was way over feeding the little guy. Truth is, it’s impossible to know this stuff as a new mom. I was so concerned about him gaining weight and going to bed full that the thought of him eating too much and that causing digestive issues never crossed my mind.
Baby two came just 16 months after baby number one. This time I followed my gut. She slept in the swing frequently. If she fell asleep while eating I’d put her down. She slept through the night at five months old and, although we co-slept when needed those first few months, never slept in our bed after six months of age.
Is Babywise completely ineffective for everyone? No. I do have friends that will still swear that it worked for them. (I know some of you reading this are thinking you had no troubles with it.)
But, mommy friends, looking back I think this method is scary dangerous. And, although it may be getting some children to sleep through the night faster, the long term consequences are real and far more important than that first “sleeping through the night” milestone. You can’t think about what your child will be like at six or seven when all you want is to make it through the first year. But, let me encourage you that your parenting isn’t finished when they start sleeping. It’s only just begun…
Some recent studies have come out about the consequences of having infants cry it out and what happens when our newborns don’t attach well. Beyond that, this study explains how you aren’t really training an infant to sleep when you don’t respond to cries. Instead, the baby’s neurological system shuts down from frustration and sleep follows.
These reports cite correlations with more stressed out and anxious children later. I can attest to this. I see differences between my Babywise baby and my other children. My oldest displays more fear, has a more difficult time with expressing emotion, and is very guarded.
Of course, I understand that each child has a unique personality and that maybe that’s his natural bent. But, as I read the reports like this one on the impact of systems like this, I can’t help but see some similarities in my now-seven year old.
Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. And, like most new moms, I was desperate for some guidance on how to do it “right.” But, I think we moms, at all stages, have to free ourselves of that pressure. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way. There is your way and there is my way.
Every child we have added to our family has done some degree of messing up the rhythms for the rest of the family. Everyone has had to adjust as each new baby has come along. The Babywise method of make the baby fit you just doesn’t make any sense to me, at any level, anymore. Scheduling has some merit…routine has lots of merit… But, Babywise as a comprehensive system to be followed to the tee, is a bad idea.
Now, on the other side of newborns, I certainly wish I had researched more about the author, his background and lack of credentials before I put my child through his system. I’m embarrassed that I trusted this unknown man to tell me how to raise my newborn.
I hope you’ll do the same and avoid my regrets.
To read a counter opinion, check out Why I Stuck With Babywise.
I unabashedly hide Babywise when I see it at bookstores. Anything the book gets right, you can get in another book without supporting an author that promulgates borderline child abuse. Yep that’s what I said. Even if you have the newer copy, the author never apologized for how his book led to children failing to thrive when parents followed his method from older copies. He gave disastrous breastfeeding advice and had an insidious way of getting in your mind and making you think there was one way to care for a baby (amazing that only he had that insight!) As a new mama (with an older copy) I carefully made an excel spreadsheet to journal how long she nursed on each side, when she slept, and when she eliminated. It’s powerful dogma and for every child that escaped unscathed, there is another it damaged. I think that’s plenty of reason to use strong language.
I found this blog post after Googling “Babywise stressful” because as a first time mom of a 6 week old, Babywise was beginning to stress me out. I went into mommyhood gung ho about breastfeeding and getting my baby on a schedule. A friend told me about Babywise and it made sense to me, so I bought it, read it, and when my baby was born, implemented it, or tried to. I had a miserable time trying to breastfeed. My daughter was a sleepy nurser and had to be stimulated constantly to stay awake long enough to eat. And then an hour later she would wake up screaming from hunger. I later figured out my milk supply was good, but my flow was not. But along with postpartum hormones and feeling like a failure because breastfeeding was going so terribly, I was also stressing because my baby was falling asleep while eating, wanting to eat every hour and not following any schedule. She would cry and cry and we let her cry it out a couple times. The only thing that would sooth her was me, but I thought she was comfort nursing because she couldn’t possibly be hungry. Babywise says she shouldn’t need to eat for another two hours. A full feeding? What’s that? How can I tell when she konks out 2 minutes in. The first 3 weeks were the roughest of my life and then we switched to formula and I pumped what I could. She began to gain weight and became a happy baby. Our pediatrician advised to let her feed on demand and not get hung up on a schedule. So keeping the Babywise philosophy in mind, we started letting her dictate meals with the exception of waking her after 3 hours to make sure she ate. But I would still find myself worrying about her waking up in the middle of naptime crying because she had a dirty diaper. Or if she fell asleep eating. These were warning signs according to Babywise. Over weeks 5 and 6, I noticed she was becoming fussy before naptimes. A couple of times I would let her cry for a little while then soothe her and she would go right to sleep. I refused to let my baby cry for 15 minutes before every nap when all it took to console her was some simple comforting. And she was sleeping well at night. A four hour stretch at least, sometimes 5 or even 6. She isn’t fitting perfectly into the Babywise philosophy but she is sleeping well at night. Hence the reason for my Google search. I kept asking myself, is it really worth the stress? It seems my little girl has created her own schedule and is thriving. And after reading this post and all the comments, I’m more confident than ever I’m doin the right thing. And thinking back, I wish I’d never thought about implementing Babywise early on because I believe it was a factor in my breastfeeding issues and it definitely added to my mountain of worry and frustration in those early weeks. And now as we begin week 7, I’m breathing a deep sigh as I can relax and let go. I’ll definitely continue to try to keep my little one on a routine, but at least now I can stop freaking out if she wakes up mid nap and it’s not time to eat or if she falls asleep in her swing or while eating. I’m learning to trust my instincts and just go with the flow. If I can share anything with new moms out there, it’s that just as every pregnancy and delivery is different, so is every child. Mine didn’t fit the Babywise mold and I’m not goibg to force her. And as Heather shared, there is no right or wrong way. Just find what works for you and your child.
Thank you for your comment Ashley! I’m so glad you found our site and Heather’s post. Our goal of this post wasn’t to create a division among moms, but to do exactly what you said, help you find what works best for you!
For Heather Babywise didn’t work, and she wanted other moms who might be struggling with Babywise to understand that they’re not alone! I think sometimes as moms we think if it’s working for others then there must be something wrong with me!
Thanks again for your comment!
I am saddened by your article. I used babywise successfully with my twins. We, as moms need to stop bashing things that didn’t work for us because it just perpetuates the mommy wars. You felt that you were over feeding with babywise. I was accused of starving mine by using babywise. It is our responsibility as mothers to be the best mom we can be and there are many ways to do that. I would have been a horrible mother if I followed attachment parenting by the book. I am just a different type of mom with different babies in different circumstances. I embrace my friends that are attachment parenters and they embrace me. Stop the mommy wars and embrace a babywise mom, attachment parenting mom, formula feeder, a pumper, a breast feeding mom, and all the other types of moms out there.
Agreed! This is what brings on mommy wars is when we are so judgmental and bashing one another’s parenting method.
I have 3 kids. I tried implementing BW into my first child’s life and he THRIVED on it. He NEVER cried once, like ever. He was fed, had enough sleep, was great. He woke up when he was due a feed, had the BW recommended awake time, and self settled pretty well. I cuddled him lots, if I was busy I would let him have a little cry, but not for long & nothing that has left him anxious or feeling abandoned. My 2nd & 3rd kids are on a routine but not as ‘strict’ simply because I do the school run twice a day. But the wake, feed, play & bed is the greatest piece of information and I highly recommend it. My friend who has a 3 month old has no idea what her child needs and she constantly guesses and it’s hard watching her not know what her child needs…. BW is spot on with recommended awake times and knowing this & popping bub down approx 10/15 mins before his recommended maximum awake time has been how I’ve has such good self settlers. All 3 kids would go in their cot wide awake & happy and would chat away & then fall asleep. BW did not work for kid # 2 or 3 as well as it did for my firstborn but that’s nothing to feel guilty about. If you are confident in what you are doing & in who you are then try BW, it simply makes sense.
*Sigh*
I’d like to comment on a theme I am seeing emerge here between the pro and anti camps.
Putting aside discrepancies between first run editions and subsequent, amended ones, which seem to be real and significant (I have only read the later edition), the theme seems to be the issue of confidence, or lack thereof in motherhood (new and seasoned).
Those commenting in favor of BW principles describe an inherent ‘mothering instinct’ which they followed above all while implementing the BW method.
For those commenting against BW, that is the rub. How can a mother trust her gut if she has no gut to trust?
How sad that our modern culture, based upon logic, science, and male-dominated psychology is producing women who are so far separated from their inherent feminine core, and lineage of wise women elders on whom to rely for guidance! This is the state of many a woman when she becomes a mother and it is dangerous for herself and for her child.
Personally, I used BW updated edition with my 3rd child. By that time, I knew who I was as a mother and had learned to recognise that feeling in my gut and had gained the confidence to follow it. BW worked for me in that I gained a deeper understanding of my child’s cues and communication, and he learned to sleep peacefully through my guidance. I never neglected my son and we have a strong bond.
The story is quite different with my first born. I too felt totally and utterly out of my depth nearly right away after her birth. This total insecurity in my mothering translated itself to a completely unstructured and haphazard parenting that made no sense. I could not trust myself at all. My first born has Sensory Processing Disorder.
What do we have to change in our society to repair what has been broken? How do we equip mothers to step confidently and lovingly into motherhood? How do we connect with one another in acceptance, rebuilding the bonds of wisdom once passed down from grandmother to mother to daughter?
I urge your response!
My
I didn’t read through all the comments so I apologize if this is a repeat question…. I never did any sleep training with my baby. I just couldn’t let her cry it out. But now she is 14mo and the other night when she cried I let her cry… It was not her “hurt” or “scared” cry so I didn’t feel bad. She went back to sleep. Do you think this is bad for her, or given her age, ok? She has never really slept through the night very well…. I’m lucky if I get 3 nights straight of sleeping through the night. But I don’t want to cause any issues with her self confidence!! If appreciate your thoughts!! Thank you.
Hmm… I guess I’m confused. I don’t think we read the same book. Babywise is not unilaterally synonymous with crying it out. Maybe you missed the point? It’s about developing a routine to offer consistency in your child’s day, which in turn helps them sleep… not sitting outside while your baby cries hysterically. I’m disappointed in this post.
I am doing babywise worth my note 10 month old son and have been since he was 2 months. Before, i had a baby that would only nap on the boob all day, could not lay him down. Now be naps great and is happy, healthy, breastfed and thriving. That being said, we never did CIO, if he needs to be rocked, held or nursed he is. It’s not a book filled with strict, do or fail teachings. To me is just a routine to follow that works. The baby whisperer who a lot of ppl love recommends the same type of routine, eat wake sleep. Easy.
I am sorry that Baby wise didn’t work for you. Post partum depression is real and very difficult to deal with! I am so glad you are no longer struggling with it! It made me very sad to read your negative comments about the Ezzos. They are lovely people with a heart for families to thrive. The book was also co-written by Dr. Buchman so it wasn’t advice pulled out of thin air. Most NICU departments follow a feeding routine for the babies in their care because it is best to feed in regular intervals.
I used the curriculum with all three of my children who were also born close together (I had three children all under the age of 4) before it was revised. My second and third born both had digestive issues which I was able to identify quickly because they were not able to soothe themselves. However, when we did get medical intervention, my doctor encouraged me to feed 3 hours apart to help my children. She was impressed that I already did.
It’s always easy to point fingers and blame a book or a method for things that don’t well. Baby wise made my life easier as a mom. One thing that might be different for me is that I contacted the national helpline and I was connected with an amazing contact mom who gave enouragement and prayed with me when I was struggling with my depression. She was such a precious part of my journey and she encouraged me to tweak things here and there to apply the principles in the best way possible for my situation.
There is no perfect way to do anything… especially parenting. But please, let’s not bash each other or undermine another’s methods. As moms, we need to stick together and support each other because it’s a tough journey. My children are all teens now – the oldest in her freshmen year of college. They are beautiful humans with hearts full of compassion and confidence. Looking back, the cio method was a piece of cake compared to moving her to another state for school!
Blessings!
I absolutely love babywise and have had great results in using it with my 3 children. I hate that people think it is “leave my brain, nurturing instincts and mothering” at the door and let my baby cio. My BW book says nothing about CIO, and I never did this with my kids. They all slept through the night at 7-9 weeks (STTN is 7 consecutive uninterrupted hours). They are happy, growing well and are still excellent sleepers at 5yo, 3yo, and 16 months. They all nap everyday, and sleep 10-13 hours every night. The reason this is important is for brain development. BW helped me in so many ways…a few being…I have a very stressful job as a tax CPA, I had to return to work at 12 weeks and be on top of my game EVERY. SiNGLE. DAY. I am a breastfeeding machine, and flexible scheduled feedings helped me know when my baby was hungry, taught me full feedings so baby could get hind milk and not snack, helped baby gain weight at a fast pace since they were not snacking on fore milk, helped me BF for over a year, helped my milk come in because I knew to feed by the clock even when my baby was a sleepy new born, etc, etc.
Did my schedule look perfect every single day or every single cycle? Absolutely not! It was a tool, something to shoot for! Did I feed my baby when they were hungry? Absolutley, every single time.
I wish the nay sayers would actually read the book before saying such horrible things about it. Also, compare it to the recommendations of the AAP, and you will find they are very similar.