Just One Child?

Do you have just the one child?

It’s a standard question. Everyone asks it. So do I! Sometimes, though, the answer is hard. It hurts. We have just the one child. And she is perfect. And she is enough. She completes my heart.

It wasn’t part of my plan. I wanted two kids — a boy and a girl, just like my mom. My brother and I are close, so I wanted that for my future children. I wanted them to have someone to lean on and joke with. Someone to talk to during the day and at family gatherings. I never considered I’d only have half of the equation.

A Different Plan

Infertility is hard. We got married and wanted to wait a bit before having kids. That wait turned into five years of us trying to get pregnant. We finally got help and ended up going through intrauterine insemination. It worked on the first try! We got our girl.

Several years later, we tried twice more, but it didn’t work out. We stopped trying. We were meant to be a family of three. I had to come to terms with the new normal, which is something I didn’t plan for.

From Me to You

Things don’t always work out the way we think they are going to, and that’s okay.  It’s part of our job in life to reframe and grow from each challenge.

To me, that means reframing what a family looks like. Sometimes it’s a couple with no kids; sometimes it’s one kid; sometimes it’s eight kids. Sometimes friends, not blood relatives, make a family. There is no right or wrong answer to what family looks like to each person.

It’s okay to grieve what you lost or never had. It’s okay to accept your new normal. No matter what your family looks like, it’s okay.

I’ve talked to several others who went through infertility as well and have asked how they managed their emotions. It is different for everyone, but a few helpful tips include:

• Join chat rooms. This was especially helpful to me because I could tell everyone in the chat understood what I was going through.
• Write it down. Journaling is a great outlet. It allows you to say what’s on your heart and mind without judgement or fear.
• Talk to a counselor or therapist. If you don’t already have a counselor or a professional to talk to, this will be very helpful. He or she can offer guidance and support.

>> RELATED READ :: What Infertility Took from Me <<

The Guilt

Now, I think the hardest part is the tremendous guilt I sometimes feel. I’ve heard it referred to as only-child guilt. I wish I had been able to provide her a built-in friend, someone to lean on, even someone to learn how to argue with. I hate that when her parents are old, everything will fall on her shoulders.

I am hoping with every fiber of my being that she has a wonderful support system! What we do have is a closeness that multi-children families may not have or understand. She is a part of our every conversation. I think she has grown up more because of that. She is fiercely independent, smart, and more mature for her age.

>> RELATED READ :: One and Done: Our Family of Three <<

She doesn’t ask anymore, but she used to ask for a sibling. It would break my heart. I want to give her the world, but I can’t give her a brother or sister. I just have to remind her that being an only child has it’s perks.

She gets more toys and doesn’t have to share. She gets to go on more vacations and do more activities than multiple-kid families. She gets all of our love and attention and focus. (Added bonus: no sibling rivalry!) She gets to do all the things.

We invite friends over all the time. We take trips. We plan fun “yes days.” We go to girl scouts. We go to all-star cheer. We go to sideline cheer. We join choir and battle of the books. We do all that we want to do.

Is it a bummer when we want to buy a family pass, but they only come in sets of four? Of course it is. Is it a bummer we only have to pay for one kid’s meal or she can share with us? Absolutely not. It’s something we have had to adapt to and accept. It’s our normal. And that’s just fine for us.