In Defense of Halloween Candy

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READING TIME: 3 min.

*The best alternatives to Halloween Candy* *The top things to hand out on Halloween that aren’t candy* *Great ideas for Halloween prizes instead of candy*

I put those sentences up there in hopes that while browsing the internet, moms looking for Halloween candy alternatives will find this article. So that I can look them straight in the eye, pat their hand gingerly, speak in the softest voice I can muster, and plead with them to JUST BUY THE CANDY.

Something happened between my childhood and my children’s Halloweens. Candy became the enemy. So now, instead of coming home with a bucket of candy, my kids are coming home with a bucket of half candy and half plastic-garbage-random-nonsense-I-will-step-on-for-days.

Here is an abbreviated list of things I don’t want in my house this Halloween: jelly spiders, gross fingers, glitter pumpkin stickers, tiny fake mice, kazoos with a pumpkin sticker, yo-yos with a ghost sticker, creepy plastic glasses, erasers in the shape of Frankenstein’s face that don’t erase anything, vampire teeth, tiny spiral notebooks with pumpkins on them, little containers of orange Playdough.

I have three children 6 and under. It is a full-time job trying to keep us from perishing under mountains of junk. The worst thing you can do to other moms is send their kids home with MORE CRAP. Let me say this louder for the moms in the back: giving another child Playdough without permission is a mom-on-mom hate crime.

Give me buckets of candy. Gallons of candy. I can handle it. I can hear you now- but But BUT… wouldn’t you rather them bring home less candy? Less sugar? Be healthier? No. No, I wouldn’t. I am not worried even a little bit about Halloween candy affecting my children’s health. They are going to consume the exact same amount of candy on Halloween if they get 20 pieces or if they get 200.

It is really easy to keep kids from overeating candy because you are the boss of said candy. One night of indulgence will hurt no one, and then house rules return and house rules dictate that we don’t eat candy on a daily basis. The rest goes in the freezer or gets donated. Easy-peasy.

I know. It isn’t Pinterest-y at all to just buy the grab bag of assorted chocolates or caramel apple suckers. You had a whole THING planned to hand out pumpkin-scented Chapstick, a shrink-wrapped washcloth in the shape of a ghost and a card that says “You’re BOOtiful.” You were just going to be the belle of the PTA ball. No. Stop it. PUT IT DOWN. Back away from the Dollar Spot.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of all the other moms, asking them to just buy some Reese’s already.

*I am well aware there are allergies and health issues that come into play which make people sensitive. First, this is supposed to be funny and no one should ever come to me for medical advice. Second, I have been to Target, and they have “candy” basically made of kale, beet juice and optimism so I really think there is an edible treat for everyone.

 

1 COMMENT

  1. Love this and agree wholeheartedly! On Halloween night each year, it takes at least 30 minutes for my boys to believe my husband and I when we say, “Really, you can eat whatever you want! You don’t have to ask about each piece.” They indulge for a bit, and then run off and play with their neighborhood friends for the rest of the night.They also know – and are fine with – the fact that all Halloween candy “disappears” at midnight. Whatever remains the next morning has been hand-picked by mom and dad and is tucked away in the depths of the pantry where only the grown-ups can access. 🙂

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