Mom Lesson: Dealing With Grandmas

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One thing I was never really worried about in becoming a new mom was the potential for boundary-crossing with Halle’s Grandmothers. I have heard plenty of horror stories from others to know I am blessed to have good and healthy relationships with my mom and my mother-in-law when it comes to dealing with my baby.

My MIL is there with helpful information when I ask and just a smile and a nod when I don’t. She jumps at the chance to babysit and loves and adores my baby dearly. Halle is her 7th grandchild, so I think she knows how to navigate those waters.

My mom is quite the same. Even though Halle is her first grandchild, she has done a great job of respecting my decisions and parenting-style. This is all very good since my mom visits quite often. The only time a slight hint of tension arises is when I let Halle cry for a bit in her crib. My mom can’t stand it. A few minutes of her crying will send my mom instantly to the monitor, pacing back and forth and then hesitantly asking, “want me to go get her?” I know that Halle will fall asleep pretty soon so I usually don’t take her up on her offer.

Now some of you may be thinking, “that’s it? seriously? a hint of tension? You don’t have the slightest clue!” I know, I know- I’m very blessed in this regard.

So with that in mind, I thought it would be interesting to see how some of you deal with boundaries between you and your mom or you and your MIL- in regards to parenting, that is! Have you spoken up or held your tongue? Have things improved or gotten worse?

I’m curious to know and I’m sure there are a lot of moms in your situation. So let’s dish….(politely!)

6 COMMENTS

  1. I have a great MIL and mom in this area as well! I recognize it as a blessing because I know others who are not as fortunate!

  2. I have a GREAT MIL…very supportive and generous but there was definitely tension there when Caroline was baout 6 weeks old and they visited for the first time. I don’t think it was that either parenting style was wrong, it was that it was different and we were in a routine and she had different opinions on how much we should be feeding Caroline, etc. when we had been working hard to develop our own routine and style.

    It was rough and at one point the first couple of days I was bawling hysterically and said to Matt…”Get me out of this house!” and I had my first post-baby cocktail and everything has been roses since!

    • Sounds like Matt knows how to solve problems…with a cocktail! Love it. I’m sure grandmothering is quite an adjustment too- especially for the in-law side!

  3. Our daughter is 13 months old, and in the last year, our whole family’s relationship with my MIL has gotten worse. When we moved back to Dallas (my home town) and found a place 15 minutes from my parents house, my MIL has not stopped talking about how we’ve taken her granddaughter from her and how unfair it is that she never gets to see her. During the week she was here for our daughter’s first birthday party, she cried too many times to count.

    During that visit, my husband finally took her down to the bar of her hotel and had a two hour discussion with her. About how our decision to be in Dallas was the best move for our family, how she’s ruining the limited time she has with her grandddaughter, and that trying to “compete” with my parents over time spent, gifts, etc. was ridiculous. A talk like this from my husband has been a long time coming, and is not the first time one of my MIL’s sons have had to talk to her about how she interacts with their spouses.

    I’m bitter about the situation, and it’s so hard for me to spend any amount of time around my MIL. But, my mom keeps reminding me that I have to make the best of the time I spend around her, because carrying negative feelings for the years and years to come isn’t going to make my life any better. Since the in-laws live on the east coast, time with them will be limited, and I CAN grin & bear it when it comes time for their visits. (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can……..)

    Things with MY mom are pretty good, except for one thing. She and my dad don’t eat a varied diet, and consume many highly processed foods. Unfortunately, my daughter has grown very fond of the food they feed her when she’s with them, and her adventurous palate is quickly shrinking. Now, even when I pack food to take to their house, she is resistant to eat it, so they quickly fill up her tray with stuff they know she will eat.

    • Welcome back to Dallas and sounds like a few thousand miles between you and your MIL is much needed! Hopefully she can come around soon and realize that her visits are precious time!

  4. OH…My….GOSH!!! I could handle my MIL in small doses before my son came along, but now, the dose is much smaller!! She knows no boundaries! My brother-in-law (32) still lives at home with his twelve year old daughter. My MIL is more of a mother figure than a grandmother to McKenzie often barking orders at her and being the one to discipline or reprimand her. So naturally she doesn’t know where the line is with my son. We have had many moments where she will take it upon herself to yell at Noah and even get physically forceful with him. Needless to say that doesn’t sit well with me. I quickly remove Noah from the situation and take several moments away from her.
    I spend a lot of time in prayer before visits with my in-laws asking the Lord to give me patience and a soft tongue with her. I have to wait until an opportunity presents itself to express my disappointment with her otherwise it will be ugly. I could go on and on, but for the sake of the topic I won’t.
    Seeing her with my husband’s niece and his cousins’ kids I’ve come to realize she doesn’t have much patience for children. I pray God will change her heart to be more loving and kind and I pray He will change my heart toward her. Words haven’t been my friend in many situations with her, so I leave it to prayer!

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