If I have to read one more blog post about loving by body after baby, I’m going to be mad.
Wait no, I am already mad.
Let’s get the something out of the way: I’m not talking about body after baby because you are struggling to get back in your size 4 pants 8 weeks postpartum. I’m not talking about body after baby when you say you’ve lost all the baby weight 4 months postpartum and just need to lose a few more pounds to be back where you were.
I’m talking to the tried-everything-cut-everything-working-out-like-crazy-and-not-losing-weight moms out there.
I am right here with you. I see your pain. I feel your pain. I am living your pain.
I see you hot and miserable in jeans at the park chasing your kids, because you literally can’t find shorts that fit. I see you hiding in a swimsuit, shorts and a tank top because nothing else will cover what needs to be covered. I see you sneaking through the clothing section at Target, inching closer to the women’s section and grabbing clothes off the rack, hoping no one see’s you.
I get it. I really do. I look in the mirror and cringe. I hide behind my kids in pictures. I loathe having to put on something other than yoga pants and a t shirt.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to lose the weight. I know, I know, “everyone loses weight breast feeding.” But I don’t. I am exclusively breast feeding my baby and have not dropped a pound since he was born 5 months ago. I eat a balanced diet and consume about 1700 calories a day. I have cut out the majority of carbs, sugars and alcohol. I work out. I chase a very active 2 year old all day long. And nothing is working.
So you see, if I have to read one more blog written by a mom who has managed to lose all but the last 5 pounds and is struggling because she is in a size 8 instead of a size 6 jeans, I might scream. (The other day a friend told me she understood my frustration with body after baby. While I can’t manage to lose weight, she loses all her baby weight and more – she has to eat eat eat to keep at a healthy weight. Not. helpful.)
I don’t want to love my body. I don’t want to make peace with my body. I don’t want this size to be the rest of my life, because I want to be a healthy example to my kids. I gained 25 pounds with my first and didn’t lose a pound while breast feeding. I managed to lose 12 pounds in the 3 month window between ending nursing with my first and getting pregnant with my second. I gained 32 pounds with my second and was on modified bed rest and was not allowed to work out at all. So that’s 45 pounds to get back to pre baby weight and I’d like to be 20 pounds less than that to have a healthy weight. 65 pounds. UGH.
I don’t love where I am with my body.
So what next? I don’t know.
This isn’t a blog post with all the answers.
I look in the mirror and the voices in my head are saying, “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” “What a loser, you can’t fit in your early maternity clothes.”
Yet the voices around me are saying something completely different. My two year old says, “I wuv you momma.” “Hi darling momma.” “Hey momma hold me.”
So why do I let the voices in my head win out over the voices of my family? Shouldn’t I listen to the voices of the people who actually see me rather than the cruel voices in my head that have been telling me I’m not enough since junior high?
That’s all I’ve got. I’m not at peace with my body. I don’t love my body. And I don’t know what to do about it. But what I do know is that I am going to work on actively listening to the voices of the people around me, instead of the insecure voices in my head.
What about you? Did you struggle or are you struggling to lose weight after baby? How did you cope? Any suggestions for other reader’s struggling with the same problems?